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From Jezebel’s “This Goldman Sachs Lady Will Teach You How To Date Black Dudes”:

Meet J.C. Davies! She’s a blogger, former investment banker, and the author of a book about inter-racial dating. In it, she addresses questions including, “Are Jewish men really cheap?” and “Are all Indian men well versed in the Kama Sutra?”

I’ll spare you the rest of the article, but I will answer what I’m sure is the most prominent question on everyone’s mind: No, this article wasn’t cross-posted from The Onion. She really does exist (Her book really exists, too)

Snark aside, although I question Davies’ sincerity (and, well, sanity) her book’s latent premise — people of different cultures and races have different dating patterns — isn’t incorrect. While I’m aware that each individual person is like a giant snowflake — complex, unique, and full of holes — it would be completely disingenuous not to admit that certain trends and characteristics are common with certain people.

My own experience has taught me that black women hate when raccoons get in their hair, club-hopping white women usually smell like Gap body spray and white privilege, and Pittsburgh-area Jews, well, I’m still not completely clear why Jewish people have their own separate category from regular ol’ non-Jewish whites. I know a bunch of Jewish men and women, and they aint all that special.

Anyway, I was feeling particularly altruistic yesterday, so I decided to help Davies out. But, since I can’t really speak for black men who regularly date outside of their race, instead I decided to give her — and any other non-black woman interested in dating a black man who’s never dated a white woman before — some insight about us.

1. Don’t try to impress us with your “down-ness”

When we’re with you, we want the full “white” experience (getting cabs easily, being allowed to pull hair during sex, understanding the appeal of “tipping”, understanding the appeal of Ice-T, etc).

No need to pull out the black and red t-shirts or the Polaroids of Chuck D signing your vinyl copy of “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back” outside of a Memphis-area Jack in the Box in 1993. If we wanted someone “down” we’d still be with the mothers of our children.

2. You might think it’s cool, but it’s never a good idea to use racial epithets during sex

First, it’s degrading and demeaning. But, more importantly, our neighbors are likely to call the cops if they hear a distressed and high-pitched scream of “Don’t stab me with that jungle spear, you f*cking nigger!!!” coming from our apartments.

3. Don’t try to kiss us right after we just saw you French kiss your basset hound

While we love our pets as much as you do, kissing them is a bit much. What we really don’t understand is how the hell are you going to teach your dogs how to maul your infant nephews and nieces if you spend all that time actually being nice to them?

4. Don’t tell us about your Greek, Italian, or Irish ancestry

We don’t care, and it’ll remind us of the fact that the only way most of us can trace our ancestry is if we wrote “Our Ancestry” on top of some carbon paper and traced around it with a number two pencil.

5. We don’t like to be “surprised” by ultra-white whiteness

Put it this way: While regular, garden-variety whiteness is cool, “surprising” us with weekend trips to the Ozarks to meet your sister-cousins when we thought we were just going to Six Flags is totally uncool, and you need to do your very best to make sure you inform us of any possible engagement with ultra-white whiteness at least 4-6 months beforehand. Sh*t, we wouldn’t take you to the hood unless we gave you at least 4 to 6 months advance notice to get your passport, flu shots, and permission slips in order, so don’t think it’s cool and cute to “accidentally” miss a couple exits while driving to Seven Springs and end up deep in Appalachia.

6. If we’re out together and we ever happen upon a group of black women, don’t be surprised if we act like you have rabies for the next 5 to 15 minutes

As great as our relationship might currently be, if it ever ends — and we actually want to date a black woman again — we can’t chance getting branded with the “He dates white women” scarlet letter.

Basically, if we’re out together somewhere and they see us, just pretend you’re one of our colleagues or caseworkers. Make sure to always carry an extra clipboard or two around with you just to be safe.

7. If we’re out together and we ever happen upon a group of white cops, don’t be surprised if we act like you have rabies for the next 5 to 15 minutes

As great as our relationship might currently be, if we actually want to live to see another day, we can’t chance getting branded with the “He dates white women” scarlet letter.

Basically, if we’re out together somewhere and they see us, just pretend you’re one of our colleagues or caseworkers. Make sure to always carry an extra clipboard or two around with you just to be safe.

8. Although we won’t think this about you, we’re going to assume all of your girlfriends are easier than southern math

Don’t be surprised when your Facebook friends are perpetually inundated with requests from our friends. It’s a recession, and you can’t pass up a potentially prosperous fellatio pipeline.

9. Each of our penises have special powers

Some can dance and dribble basketballs. Others can sing and knit sweaters. We haven’t quite figured out why God gave us these powers, though, so don’t ask and just enjoy the show.

10. The best way to a black man’s heart is his stomach

But, since mint goulash and boiled chicken breast souffle aren’t exactly what the person who coined that cliche had in mind, in your case, the best way to black man’s heart is probably your wallet.

Falks, did I miss anything?

Also, ladies, is there anything you’d like to tell a white man who wants to date a black woman who usually dates black men?

Lastly, I know we have quite a few non-black visitors. Is there anything you’d like to tell a black person interested in dating you, or any other non-black person, about you?